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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24738124">Cowardice</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broken_Twisted_Lullabies/pseuds/Broken_Twisted_Lullabies'>Broken_Twisted_Lullabies</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Angst without a happy ending, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Dean and Gabriel are fuckbuddies, Gabriel (supernatural) is a coward, Hurt No Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, No Smut, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Swearing, but not by much, but they both don't say i love you, word prompt: cowardice</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:40:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,319</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24738124</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broken_Twisted_Lullabies/pseuds/Broken_Twisted_Lullabies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Cow·ard·ice /ˈkou(ə)rdəs/ noun<br/>lack of bravery.</p>
<p>Gabriel has been in love with Dean for quite some time now, but when Dean confesses he loves him, Gabriel can't find the words to say it back. Because, while he loves him, the Archangel is a coward first and foremost and he'd rather run than risk the hurt that could come later from saying "I love you too".</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dean Winchester/Gabriel (Supernatural)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Cowardice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was a quick fic done for a challenge on SPN amino where you had a list of 50 words and had to write a fic based on one of those words with a pairing, canon or not. Whilst I tried to make it a drabble (as that was also part of the challenge), I failed so I instead chose a pairing I've never written for before: Debriel. </p>
<p>This is set in an alternate universe from canon where literally the only thing that's different is postseason 2/3 Dean and Gabriel become fuck buddies.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Cow·ard·ice /ˈkou(ə)rdəs/ <b>noun</b></p>
<p>lack of bravery.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> I love you.  </em>
</p>
<p>Three words, three syllables. But it’s enough to make Gabriel’s face go pale, his blood runs cold, his palms get clammy. </p>
<p>The hunter reaches for his hands, grabbing them and giving Gabriel an unguarded look. “I think I love you,” he admits, completely honest as he repeats those three words, and his tone terrifies the angel. </p>
<p>He can tell this isn’t easy for Dean to admit, because Gabriel’s been around him long enough to know Dean’s walls can put even that of the Great Wall of China to shame. Built so strong and so tall and so high that it won’t fall like Berlin’s -- it’s designed to withstand anything and everything that might try and hurt him. A series of walls that protect a bruised heart inside. But Dean’s poor doors on all of them and handed Gabriel the key on a silver platter and said, “I’ll let you in. you can have my heart.”</p>
<p>
  <em>And isn’t that just terrifying? </em>
</p>
<p>To build something so strong to protect you, that no one can get through and still look one being in the eye and say, “I trust you enough to bear what I’ve kept hidden for ages from the world.” (And Gabriel can tell, just by looking at Dean that those walls have been standing for years. Refined and fixed and not given the chance to weaken even the slightest.)</p>
<p> Dean’s green eyes watch him, and Gabriel’s eyes meet his only briefly before flickering away to settle on his nose, then his lips, then they shy away and stare at his ears. Every bit of Dean’s face is open, hopeful, and vulnerable and Gabriel can’t meet it, can’t dare to look at it. Just like he can’t look Dean in the eyes,  Gabriel also can’t find himself able to say even a word. </p>
<p>
  <em> I think I love you. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I love you. </em>
</p>
<p>The words bounce around his skull, and Gabriel wants to tell him, wants to shout that it’s impossible. “You can’t love me!” But it’s like his lips are glued shut, and the words can’t pass his tongue, which sits heavy and thick in his mouth. </p>
<p>“No,” Dean continues, speaking in the silence Gabriel spreads. “Gabriel, I’m in love with you,” the hunter states like it’s a fact. </p>
<p>And maybe it is -- but Gabriel won’t let himself think that. Listening to Dean shake off the hesitance that laces his words, sounding stronger and surer of himself, Gabriel only feels worse with each passing second. </p>
<p>Gabriel bites his lip, and Dean asks, “Aren’t - Aren’t you going to say something?”</p>
<p>The silence has stretched too long, and it only gets longer. </p>
<p>He wants to say something, but his mind’s at war with what Dean said because, deep, deep down, the Archangel looked at the Righteous Man (and even before that, years before that), and one day realized he loved him. Gabriel, God’s Messenger, one of the First Four, who later became a Trickster God realized he had a crush on this stubborn, mule-headed hunter who was supposed to be his brother’s vessel to help destroy the world and had been convinced his feelings would always be unrequited. After all, why would a hunter fall in love with an Archangel-turned-Trickster? So he tried to remove the crush by distancing himself, sleeping with other gods, other creatures, anything to make it go away. </p>
<p>When it didn’t work, he decided to take a different route. He popped back in and out of the Winchesters’ lives, deciding if Dean wouldn’t love him, he’d get the hunter to absolutely hate him because what better way to get rid of a crush than make someone completely, undeniably detest you? But then that failed, and Gabriel said: <em> screw it. </em> </p>
<p>So he did what anyone who has a crush on someone does when they want to try and get as close as they can to a relationship without facing the rejection -- friends with benefits. And his whole plan fell harder than Lucifer did when God kicked him out. Instead of getting over his crush, after months of having a purely physical relationship, no strings attached, Gabriel lay awake in the motel bed while Sam was out, Dean’s arm splayed across his chest, the Archangel realized the worst thing possible had happened. </p>
<p><em> Fuck. I love him, </em>he realized and immediately had panicked. Snuff the thought, smothering it with a pillow, shove it in a box and throw that box so far back in his mind that he wouldn’t ever dare find it. </p>
<p>But now he’s faced with the chance that he can unlock that box and actually be with Dean. He can be happy and yet, he can’t bring himself to say those words back. Gabriel swallows, hoping the words will come, but they don’t, and when Dean leans in forwards to kiss him, Gabriel takes a step back. He pulls his hands from the hunter’s grasp and looks up to meet his eyes. </p>
<p>Those green eyes open to show some hesitance, and Dean gives an awkward chuckle, a nervous smile spreading across his lips. “Gabriel?”</p>
<p>He tries to reach for the angel’s face, hand ready to cup Gabriel’s cheek, and Gabriel flinches. </p>
<p>Because as much as Gabriel wants all this -- he’s a coward first and foremost. When things get too hard or too tricky or just too much, Gabriel to avoid getting hurt, ruins them and then flees. He’d rather set things on fire and leave than stick around and watch things go wrong. The world’s ending -- they’ve got two months, at best, before Michael and Lucifer meet on the battlefield and humanity is destroyed, and Gabriel doesn’t want to face that. He doesn’t want to watch his brothers kill each other, and he especially doesn’t want to watch that happen while one wears the body of the human he loves. Besides, Archangel and a human? It’s messy and dangerous, and if Gabriel doesn’t end up with a broken heart cradling Dean’s dead body, by confessing he loves him back, he’ll be signing Dean’s death certificate. He’s got powerful enemies, and dangerous older brothers, and even if the Winchesters can make it out of all this alive, doing that to Dean isn’t fair. </p>
<p>The hunter deserves better -- better than a cowardly Archangel who can’t stand fights and can’t stand people dying and would rather break someone else’s heart than potentially have his own broken. Hence the fuckbuddies thing, hence the pestering and jokes and little things he did for Dean. Gabriel can do small things, but commitment? Forcing Dean to deal with all the crap that comes with dating him? No way in Hell is Gabriel doing that. </p>
<p>So when Dean looks at him and gives him a look as he expects an answer -- because this isn’t a fairytale cliche where they kiss and it’s like both electricity on Gabriel’s lip, and soft like a warm fire where they both realize this is what they’ve always wanted and <em>why the hell didn’t we say something earlier? </em> -- Gabriel locks the box down even tighter. </p>
<p>“That’s nice,” Gabriel tells him, looking away as the smile falters. </p>
<p>“That’s -- I -- What?” Dean stammers, growing confused. “Didn’t -- Didn’t you hear me? I love you.”</p>
<p>“I heard you,” the angel says back, in a tone that’s steady, trying not to wince as he hears the first <em>crack </em>of Dean’s heart. </p>
<p>“And?” Dean prompts, and Gabriel doesn’t say it back. He swallows those three words. </p>
<p><em> It’s for the best, </em>Gabriel lies to himself. </p>
<p>“Good for you.” Blunt, cruel, and there goes another <em>crack </em>. </p>
<p>He turns away from the hunter, ready to leave. Gabriel doesn’t want to stick around and face the damage -- the Caribbean is nice this time of year. So is Peru. And it’s far enough away from Dean Winchester. </p>
<p>But before he can go anywhere, there’s a hand on his shoulder and Dean whips him back around. “Good for you?” he echoes. “What the hell, Gabriel?” Dean snaps, confused and hurt and <em> why can’t Gabriel look him in the eyes? </em></p>
<p>“I’m literally here, confessing how I feel about you and that’s all you give me?”</p>
<p><em> Leave, leave, leave, </em> Gabriel tells himself. <em> Leave before you make it worse.  </em></p>
<p>“I get this whole relationship started out physical, but I love you, Gabriel. And maybe we joked about not letting this happen, but it’s not like I woke up today and realized I love you.” Dean takes a deep breath. “I’ve known for quite some time, and I’ve been afraid to tell you. But now I want to. I want more.”</p>
<p>
  <em> And isn’t that the worst?  </em>
</p>
<p>But Dean keeps pushing, and Gabriel it seems doesn’t know where to stop. “Well, congratulations on having the balls to admit this.” Because I sure as hell don’t. “But it’s like you said, Dean. This whole thing? It was purely physical -- a way to blow off steam, to unwind. Nothing more.”</p>
<p>“But the -- But the jokes, and the times when you popped by with food or gifts or weird things and left them for me,” Dean said,  floundering, scrambling to try and make sense of all this, and <em> crack </em> goes his heart again. “What about all of that?”</p>
<p>Gabriel shook his head, trying to chuckle, but it came out sounding flat. “What about it?” His gold eyes flicker upwards, and for a second, Gabriel finds the wind knocked out of his lungs. The look of hurt on Dean’s face is visible, and it makes Gabriel want to take everything back. It makes him want to fall onto his knees and plead and sob and tell him, “<em> Don’t make me say it, Deano. Don’t make me.” </em></p>
<p>But he’s not an Archangel for nothing. A steel-cold warrior of Heaven. “You...You didn’t actually think those were all gifts for you because <em> I liked you, </em> did you?” He asks, and while it’s intended to be mocking, Gabriel means it sincerely. <em> Those were gifts for you, when did you finally realize it? When did you put it all together? </em></p>
<p>Dean freezes, and Gabriel can see him go pale. He can see the moment the words hit him. “No,” he whispers, taking a step back. “No, whatever shit you’re trying to pull with me won’t work Gabriel. Even Sam thought you liked me too, Gabriel. I -- I don’t understand.”</p>
<p>The Archangel’s voice is tight. “I don’t love you, Dean. I mean, an Archangel loving a human? How full of yourself are you to think that could happen?” Internally, his grace is weeping, and the box in his head rattles and cries out and Gabriel swallows it all up, locking the box even tighter. </p>
<p>He won’t let him cave -- it’s for Dean’s own good. </p>
<p>“You’re full of absolute shit, you know that?” Dean says, sounding small and hurt, and so unlike the Dean Winchester the angel knew.</p>
<p>Gabriel can imagine another <em> crack.  </em></p>
<p>“Oh? I’m the one full of shit?” He taunts because if Gabriel’s gonna burn all this, it’s going to be thorough. He’s gonna dig himself six feet under so that way he doesn’t have to be around for the fallout. “I’m not the one going around thinking an Archangel is in love with me,” Gabriel told him cruelly, stuffing his shaking hands into his coat pocket. </p>
<p>
  <em> Crack. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Crack.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Crack.  </em>
</p>
<p>Dean’s heart is in pieces on the ground. Gabriel took the key he offered, broke down all the walls, and shattered his heart before the hunter could do anything (after already shattering his own).</p>
<p>The hunter punches him in the face, and Gabriel takes it, it coming so fast he doesn’t have a chance to block it. It’ll hurt Dean more than him anyway, but he figures it probably makes the hunter feel even a little bit better for himself. </p>
<p>“I can’t believe you.” </p>
<p>Gabriel watches as Dean rebuilds those walls he broke down, the bricks going even higher, built even stronger. They’re built so that when the Archangel looks him in the eyes when he sees Dean’s guarded gaze, he’ll always know he was the one that did that. Gabriel would be the reason they were twice as strong and the key was destroyed. </p>
<p>“What’d you expect, Deano? I am a trickster.”</p>
<p>There’s a flinch that isn’t suppressed from Dean at that.</p>
<p> “So this is all a joke to you?” He shouts and Gabriel shrugs.</p>
<p>“Maybe.”</p>
<p>“Fuck you.” </p>
<p>Two words, two syllables. But they cut worse than any knife, than any weapon Gabriel’s ever faced, and for his final act, Gabriel takes the metaphorical weapon and plunges it right into his own chest.</p>
<p>“Is that any way to talk to someone you love?” </p>
<p>Talk about hypocritical, considering what’s come out of Gabriel’s mouth. But the Archangel delivers the final blow, listening to the wounded whine that leaves Dean’s lips before the hunter gives him a glare that could freeze Hell over.</p>
<p>That was too far -- and they both know it. </p>
<p>“Fuck you, Gabriel. If I see your ass, I won’t hesitate to kill you,” he snarls, baring his teeth. He flips him off and that stings.</p>
<p>His eyes are dark, his smile is gone, and no longer is Dean vulnerable. Gabriel, because he was too scared to say it back, too scared to face what might come with dating Dean, has destroyed any chance of being with the hunter. </p>
<p>Gabriel then runs, leaving without a witty final word. Runs like a coward to someplace else so he doesn’t have to fully accept what he’s done, and because, if he runs far enough and fast enough, and long enough, maybe everything he’s just said and the haunted look on Dean’s face before he punched him might all go away. </p>
<p>It won’t -- it never does. But Gabriel’s been a coward since the beginning. Always running when things get tough, when he’s scared, and when he doesn’t want to face things. Why should he stop now? </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you liked the fic, leave a kudos and/or comment!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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